I'm scared.
Scared to jump, and fall and no one to be there because it happened so many times before.
Imperfection.
“if he’s still here, he’s not leaving”- Brandon Leyva
I really hope so. Thanks for the talk by the way brandon. But this is what I’m thinking about… in the crazy mind of mine.
I don’t think I deserve to be loved, no matter how much I want to be happy, no matter how much I’ve blogged about knowing what I deserve, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I HAVE WANTED THIS, sometimes I just don’t feel like I deserve him.
Why? I mean, I’m not perfect.
My body’s not perfect.
I cry hysterically when I get a dent in my car.
I make sounds when I wake up because I can’t really say anything.
I don’t get ready everyday.
I like to stay in sweats.
My feets always hurt when I walk around in my boots.
I say I don’t like you or I hate you when you say something I don’t like.
I throw tantrums when I don’t get my way.
I pick at my nail polish.
I take forever to go on escalators cause I’m deathly scared.
I snore like a man.
I AM THE BIGGEST KLUTZ EVER.
and I OVER TALK, I say lots and lots of things and I’m sure I confuse you.
I don’t get it. I’m so confused. I over think everything. And maybe I’m just extremely scared of what’s going to happen next. It makes me nervous. I hope its just the nerves talkin, but really. I don’t know why you like me. I’m a mess.
And after the week being with you, you’re still here. I hope you’re not leaving. I’m just happy to be loved. I don’t understand why, but I’m just happy. I have fallen, and I’m happy.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Got reminded of this song from one of Ang’s blogs. And I realized I haven’t listened to this song for a while:
Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I’ll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he’s all that I got and
tell him…
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
And it’ll be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It’ll be alright
Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothin’ at all
I can give away everything I possess
But left without love then I have no happiness
I know I’m imperfect [I know I’m imperfect]
& not without sin [& not without sin]
But now that I’m older all childish things end
and tell him…
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
And it’ll be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It’ll be alright
I’ll never be jealous
And I won’t be too proud
Cause love is not boastful
Oooh and love is not loud
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
Everything’s gonna be alright
Now I may have wisdom and knowledge on Earth
But if I speak wrong then what is it worth?
See what we now know is nothing compared
to the love that was shown when our lives were spared
and tell him…
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
And it’ll be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It’ll be alright
Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends. You gain friends. You realize your friend wasn’t ever really your friend, and that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love. You lose love. You realize that all along you’ve been loved. You laugh. You cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do this, you do that. You really wish you hadn’t done that. You learn from that and are glad that you did. You have your ups. You have your downs. You see good movies. You see bad movies. You look at others and wish you were them. You then realize who they are and are glad that you’re you. You love life. You hate life. In the end, you just find yourself happy to be living life, no matter what’s thrown at you.
It’s there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I… and I’m home. Please… I don’t want that to go away.
“
| — | Finding Nemo (via quotewhore) |
At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.
“
| — | Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy (via kari-shma) (via quote-book) |
Love equals Respect
Doesn’t love come with respect, like how televisions come with remotes. It just comes with the package. If it doesn’t then I would be sure not watch TV that much, and I wouldn’t love, i’d lust. —Love without respect, isn’t true love. What kind of person hurts, brings down, cheats, lies to a person they love? A DISRESPECTFUL PIECE OF SHIT. If he doesn’t respect you, why stay around? Why be that girl? The only sometime, down ass chick, who’s there even when I want someone else? And the line “it’s just not the right time, but I know you’re the one.” You know what that means, he wants to fuck around while you wait. BASICALLY. Thats what it means. He could possibly mean that he is in love with you, and knows you are THAT girl, the perfect girl, but not right now. And you know what, don’t wait. Cause that doesn’t mean he’s the one for you. Thats his loss, not yours. Keep your head up and don’t look back. Be appreciated for right now. Don’t ever wait around for a boy to tell you when its okay to love again. If he gave you a tad bit respect he wouldn’t leave you hanging, if he was a man, he would let you know. Why are you going to feed into this “I can have her, my down chick, and other girls”… when he “knows” your the one. What if he finds another girl, and your the one waiting around, YOU’RE FUCKED. You know “Love conquers all” as my mom told me, but you know, love has to go both ways. Love is more than a feeling, its an action.
I’m tired of my girls getting hurt over things like this, and i know how it feels. It’s not worth the pain. It’s not worth those tears. They just make you look fucked up the next morning, and wasting your money on coverup and diaper ointment to reduce that fucking puffing under those eyes. I’m tired of girls waiting, who are so in fucking love, that they don’t see reality. Love is important, and fighting for what you love is the shit, but when you’re fighting to love someone who isn’t going to change, who is hurting you constantly, who is making you become a person you were never to be, it isn’t love. If you feel like it is him, fight. But don’t forget what you’re leaving behind, and whats changing. I really just hope respect is always part of relationships, and people don’t forget that.
It’s just that…I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It’s the universe’s way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It’s how life is.
“
| — | Sarah Dessen (via thechosenwords) |
